Grief is a unique experience. Everyone walks the journey a little different than everyone else. No two experiences are identical.
There are similaritieswith most common being the grievers search. It’s not to forget. It’s not to move on. It’s not even to have the pain go away. I believe the grieving strive for something they can’t necessarily describe so they call it closure.
Looking back on all I had written and said following David’s death, I was looking for closure. I thought I would find this elusive feeling of closure through a letter to my son.
It took me months to finally write the letter to David. In fact, I think it fully came together on the one year annniversary of his birth.
There is so much I could write. I have a lifetime of things to tell you. I have a thousand, "I'm proud of you's," and a million, "I love you's." Although you won't hear them all, you can see them in my tears.
I'd give everything to go back and be able to live those 68 days over again so I could take you in even more than I did. I wish February 16th was your birth date and you were healthy and safe in our arms. But none of those things can happen. Instead, all I have is your tote of memories, a small silver urn of your remains, pictures and the memories I treasure and hold in my innermost being.
So what do I write? What do I say to you so you know what I really feel? I hope this will suffice. Although it's simple and short it carries with it a piece of my heart.
David, you were and are perfect. You were patient, radiated kindness and held within you strength and determination - an unparalleled level of fight that I'm sure even God was proud of. My son, when I light that candle every day in your memory, I do so because I know you will always be a part of me. All the best things I do in my life, I do in your honor and I will take time to remember you in all my joys. I have an abundance of, "Thank you’s," I’ll whisper to you over time. I was proud of you in every one of your 68 days. I miss you every day sweet baby. And mommy love you David. Mommy love you too much.